Ain't No Rest For the Wicked
by Steph-Schell
Summary: How Drive Angry should have ended


Milton and Piper found Jonah's camper parked by the side of the road just inside a trailer park. He wasn't even trying to hide. He just sat there, full view of god and everyone, sunning himself on a lounge chair. Piper couldn't help but notice how well muscled he was, certainly no worse for the wear considering he'd been in a shootout with guns blazing a few days ago. King shifted his glasses to look at them, stretched and settled back on his chair.

"You'd think a wanted man would be more subtle," Piper murmured.

"Doesn't matter to me," Milton replied. "I'm going to take care of him.

They got out, guns at the ready, and approached. "You're late," Jonah drawled. "I was wondering if you got lost."

"Where's the baby?" Milton demanded.

"Over there." Jonah jerked his head to the side. They could see the little girl in a playpen looking quite content.

"Why is she still alive?" Piper frowned.

"Would you prefer I kill her?"

Neither one of them had a response. And before they could think of one, Jonah sat back up. "Well done, Mr. King."

"I do my best," Jonah replied. He stretched and got to his feet. "What's the take?"

The Accountant pulled out a red, leather bound ledger as he approached them. "Forty five souls. That's a record."

Jonah rolled his eyes. "I'm so proud," he drawled. "Where's my money?"

The Accountant handed him a small bag. "Not much considering the amount of souls you collected."

"Didn't expect it to be," Jonah sighed. He began going through the small collection of valuables.

"What the hell is going on?" Piper demanded.

The Accountant smiled at them. "It's very simple, Miss Piper. Mr. King works for me."

"Works for you?" Milton repeated.

"Technically I work for Hell," Jonah corrected. "But yes, I'm a Book Keeper."

"What's a Book Keeper?" Piper wondered.

"Simple terms? Bounty hunter for Hell."

"Speaking of…" The Accountant held out the ledger and an old fashioned pen to Jonah. Jonah took the pen and signed a flourishing signature on the bottom of the page.

"In order?'

The Accountant looked everything over. "We're clear," he nodded.

"I'm still confused," Piper insisted.

Jonah was about to answer when the baby started crying. "One second." He ducked into the camper and pulled out a large box. Jonah dug through it for a moment before removing a brightly colored toy. He dropped it in the playpen next to her. "Better?" The little girl cooed. "Good."

"Explanation?" Piper prompted.

"People make deals with the devil and I collect their souls. Or if they're particularly evil. Depending on the list." Jonah shrugged. "Simple as that."

"So you've already sold your soul," Milton said.

"Not hardly. My soul remains exactly where it belongs."

"Then how'd you get the job?"

"I was sixteen and desperate."

"Desperate how?" Piper wondered.

"I needed work," Jonah shrugged. "And my sister needed help. Everybody wins."

Piper cocked her head. "So you work for Hell."

"I do. I'm freed from my contract when I reach either fifty years or 50,000 souls." He glanced at The Accountant. "Though that's going to be hard with my face all over the news."

"We can take care of that," he said. The Accountant reached into his suit pocket and pulled out a scroll. "Just add ten years to your contract."

"Five," Jonah countered.

"You'll have to do better than that," The Accountant told him.

"Fine, five years and 1,000 more souls."

"Done," he agreed. He snapped the scroll open. "Sign at the bottom." Jonah scrawled his name at the bottom then pricked his thumb on the sharp corner. A drop of blood sizzled on the paper. "Sealed," The Accountant declared.

"Lovely," Jonah drawled.

"Why did you kill my daughter?" Milton demanded. "You said you only collect evil souls."

"I collect the souls that are on the list," Jonah replied. "Your daughter was on there. The manner of her death was theatrical by necessity. But her soul had to be collected."

Milton leveled his gun at Jonah. "If you're still human, you can still die."

"I can," Jonah agreed. "But your precious little God Killer is still tucked away in your trunk. And that means all that gun will do is kill me." Jonah smirked. "Do you know what happens to a Book Keeper that dies before completing their contract?'

"What makes you think I care?"

"Because when we die, we become demons. As you know, demons are the wardens of Hell. So if you kill me then I become another guard in your prison." Jonah quickly pinned Milton against the camper. "You got past those other demons boy but you won't get past me," he hissed. "And I will so enjoy paying you back for all the trouble you caused me on this trip." Jonah backed off and spread his arms wide. "But you if you really want to play that game, fine with me. Shoot me. Please."

Milton looked at The Accountant. "Oh, his words are quite true," The Accountant nodded. "Why do you think the stakes are so high?'

Milton growled as he turned back to Jonah. "Damn you," he hissed, dropping the gun. "You know I won't."

"Of course not," Jonah agreed. "You haven't the spine. Never did." He glanced at The Accountant. "You want to take care of this or what?"

A snap of the Accountant's fingers and Milton was in chains. "The God Killer," The Accountant prompted.

"You can pick it up after you drop him off," Jonah gestured. "Wouldn't want him getting free again." He looked at the car. "I'll have it in the camper."

"I could get the God Killer," Piper warned, leveling her gun at him.

Jonah glanced at her. "You could. But I'm reasonably sure I'm faster than you. Not to mention both heavier and stronger. So why don't you drop the gun before I'm forced to do something we'll both regret?" He looked her up and down. "After all, it'd be such a shame to damage that lovely skin."

Piper really didn't want to give in. But he would be able to overpower her. Not without a fight certainly, but it would happen. She dropped the gun and let Jonah move past her. Piper's eyes were drawn to the tribal tattoos on his back as he pulled the God Killer from the car which unnerved her. "What about the baby girl?" she demanded to distract herself.

"What about her?" Jonah shrugged as he loaded the case into his camper.

"Well, if you're not going to sacrifice her, then what are you going to do? Raise her yourself?"

Jonah snorted. "I've got enough trouble feeding myself on a good day. I can't be bothered looking after a baby."

"So you'll dump her," Milton sneered.

Jonah quirked an eyebrow. "You really do think I'm a heartless bastard, don't you?" He shook his head. "I've got people coming for her. Excuse me." He ducked into the camper for a few moments before returning pulling on a black button up short sleeved shirt over a white tank top.

A car horn honked as someone new pulled up. "Jonah!" a woman called.

"Speak of the devil," Jonah smiled. "I was wondering when you'd show up."

A heavy set woman came up to kiss his cheek. "Jonah, it's so wonderful to see you. You're too skinny though. Don't you eat at all?"

"I don't have the time and I don't have the money," Jonah informed her. "But enough about that. How have you been, Madge?"

"Keeping well enough," she shrugged.

Jonah turned to the man. "And you Tom? How's the garage working out?"

"I make enough to live," Tom replied, pulling out a pack of cigarettes.

"Mind if I bum one?" Jonah asked. Tom passed him one and lit it. "Any business to conduct before we get to the real work?"

"We got a few souls over the weekend," Madge said proudly.

"Make that fifteen," Tom corrected.

"Let's see that ledger," Madge said.

Tom looked at Jonah as his wife took care of business with the Accountant. "Fifteen souls, Jonah. What do you think of that?"

Jonah tapped his ashes. "I think you're playing minor league ball in a major league world, my friend."

"How's that?"

"Forty five souls. One job."

Madge snorted. "Someone here is making it to retirement. And it ain't us."

"Woman, you deal with the accounts," Tom snapped. He turned back to Jonah. "Speaking of the majors, did you see the Braves last weekend?"

"Do not talk to me about that," Jonah, sighed. "Their damn first baseman is shit. They need to fire his ass or they will lose the playoffs."

"Damn straight."

"If you boys are quite done, I didn't come here to compare numbers," Madge reminded them.

"No you didn't," Jonah agreed. He beckoned them over to the playpen. "I'd like the two of you to meet your new daughter."

"Oh, Jonah," Madge breathed. She lifted the baby into her arms. "She's beautiful."

"She is, isn't she?" Jonah agreed. "Before we go any further, let's take care of the paper work." He pulled out a sheaf of papers and unfolded them. "Got a pen?"

"Right here," Tom nodded.

Jonah placed the papers against the camper. "Sign here, and here, and initial here. And one last signature here." Jonah flipped through the papers. "And you are now the proud parents of a bouncing baby girl. Mazel Tov. Make sure you file these at your local courthouse."

"They notarized and everything?" Madge asked.

"All settled," Jonah nodded. "I know people."

"So we just file them and she's ours?"

"That's it." Jonah motioned them over to the camper where a large cardboard box sat. "She's got clothes, toys, formula, even diapers. But those will only last you the next two weeks. You'll need to pick up more after that."

"Only two weeks' worth?" Tom frowned.

"It was more diapers or more formula," Jonah snapped. "Which would you have preferred?"

"Tom, don't be rude, we've got a little girl now," Madge reminded him. "What's her name, by the way?"

Jonah raised an eyebrow. "I had to name her too?"

"Alice," Tom declared. "We'll call her Alice."

"Lovely name," Jonah agreed. "May you have many happy years as a family."

"You can't take her!" Milton yelled.

"Who the hell decided you have a say?" Madge frowned.

Jonah rolled his eyes. "That's her grandfather. Came all the way from hell just to 'save' her. Ignore him; he's going back soon anyway."

Madge looked Milton over. "Saving her from what?"

"He was going to sacrifice her to his cult!" Piper yelled pointing at Jonah.

"You sacrifice children now?" Tom asked.

Jonah shrugged. "Man's gotta make a living."

"Doesn't matter now," Madge stated. "She's all ours. I'm gonna put her in the car."

Alice whimpered and reached for Jonah as Madge turned away. He looked at the little girl with a softness in his eyes. "Not this time, princess," he told her. "You've got a new family now." He kissed her forehead and let Madge take her back to her car.

"You take care and come by to see her sometime," Tom said. "Madge'll cook for you."

"I will," Jonah nodded. He turned to the Accountant. "Need a new list."

"Back to work so soon, Mr. King?" The Accountant asked.

"I haven't eaten in three days. Where's the biggest payout?"

The Accountant pulled out his ledger once more. "Lots of souls doesn't' mean lots of money," he reminded Jonah.

"No but it does increase my chance. Now where can I find them?"

"I hope you starve!" Milton yelled as The Accountant handed over a scroll.

"Texas," Jonah murmured. "Always liked Texas." He stuck the scroll in his back pocket and smiled at Milton. "I do hope you enjoy your time back in hell." Jonah leaned in close. "Do say hi to your daughter for me." He jumped back with a laugh as Milton lunged at him.

"Temper, temper," The Accountant warned. "Mr. King, I'll be back for the God Killer upon completion of your next job. Make sure it stays safe."

"Like you did?" Jonah taunted. He dropped his cigarette and crushed it out. "Don't worry, it'll be taken care of."

"Then I'll be seeing you." With a nod of his head, The Accountant conjured up a car which he threw Milton in the back of. Then the two of them sped off.

Jonah turned to the only person left in the clearing. "Seems this is where we part ways, Miss Piper," he smiled. "There is just one more thing I'd like to do."

"What's that?" she asked warily.

"This." Jonah grabbed her before she could blink and the next thing Piper knew he was kissing her. The kind of kiss that you saw in old movies where the hero dipped the princess down and didn't let her up until they needed air. And Jonah was a damn good kisser.

Piper was speechless for a moment when Jonah finally let her back up. But that didn't last long. "Bastard," she spat, slapping him.

Jonah just grinned. "Still worth it," he decided. He ambled his way back to his camper. "Let me know if you ever decide to become a Book Keeper, Piper," he called over his shoulder. "I'd be more than happy to show you the ropes."

Piper watched him drive off with burning cheeks and laughter in her ears.


End file.
